The Burden

Let me start this off with the phrase, "With the name of Allah The Almighty, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful".

I have always contemplated since the first time I was called upon to go onto the stage and answer the call of leadership. Reason being because I understood my limitations and how I'm unworthy of holding such position. But when thinking of all the new experiences, all the changes I'm able to do when I do become the person in charge, I stepped forward and took on the responsibility onto my shoulders.

It was not an easy decision.

Someone once told me, when you become the head, you've put in one foot beyond the gate of hellfire. Depending on how you lead the people under you, it may determine whether you will walk through the gate or the other way round.

Over the last few weeks, I've been listening to series of lectures by Anwar Al-Awlaki. The audio can be downloaded here: http://www.kalamullah.com. Of the most particular relevance to me (though all are actually relevant to me as a Muslim; this part is actually the part for the non-believers) is about the Day of Judgement, specifically the time during the arguments between the leader and the people. At that time, the people were saying, "Verily, we were following you (our leaders). Can you give us protection on the Day of Judgement? Had Allah guided us, we would have guided you. There is no place for us now, to seek refuge."

The speaker then proceeded to explain that those who spread truth to even one people, and that person spreads it to others and so forth, that person will receive the deeds of everyone who receives that truth and follow it. But those who spread even one falsehood to a person, and that person spreads it to others and so forth, that person would also carry that sin and those of others who committed the falsehood.

It scares me to imagine, what would happen if on that day, I was among the leaders and the phrases were directed to me. It even scares me more when I think of all the sins I'll get just by making one wrong decision as a leader.

And I'm currently at a point where I have to make a call which is clearly against the amar makruf nahi mungkar. At times like this, I can feel the burden heavily pushing down on my body. It has pushed me to the extent that I can't think of any other solution. I want to remain with my stand, but there is no other option.

Given the situation, I might in the end make that call and go with it, even when I fully understood the consequences. But I pray to Him that it will not come to that. There's still time, and as much as I know it is nearly impossible, I'm still clinging to that small grain of hope that eventually things will turn out alright. I'm still holding on to my faith that in the end everything will go as planned, done in the proper way and manner.

"They have all put in so much efforts. And now I'm praying that You will show us guidance. In the end, You are The All-Knowing, The Almighty. We can make plans, but you know what's best for us."